30 days...Day One started with me already spent: hung over at work from the Bacardi consumed before midnight and the lack of sleep. I was thinking about what vice can replace the drinking and thought of the friends with benefits situation brewing and went forward with organizing my plan of action and now thinking it's not such a great idea. Smoking is already the one vice we agreed to keep - even then I feel like I'm not getting the full experience of sobriety but it's a step. I think even sex and even dating might complicate my goals with having a path towards the positive changes I've been working on this past year. The curse of choice and distractions to indulge into has got me twisted.
I ended the night with Chris and Lindsey waiting for Sugarspun to play over at Edinburgh Castle. The bartender gave me some free water (whoo hooo!) and then told me about cranberry and soda. It was so hard to look at it knowing it's missing vodka. LOL My mouth was so glued to the straw and then reality hits when visions of being tased popped into my head.
I think I may enjoy that a little too much.
I was really getting into the conversations we had - plus I'm infatuated with the socialization part of being in a bar, I just hate to dance with the drinking part. Part of me hates having to reflect and assess choices and re-interpret things people share with me to the point where all meaning is lost. Living more consciously steals from me this tranquil bliss and fluidity of ignorance and being unequivocal when things clash with my perspective. Pain + love = growth
I came back into the house at 1am feeling more energized on a natural high after walking from Edinburgh Castle in the TL back to North Beach. Maybe it was the conversations maybe it's also my head being in all sorts of directions and restoring some balance in my life with other distractions and having to rethink certain ways of how I go about my life and feeling okay that others are in their own process too.
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Texts before battery died:
"End score. Broncos 41, Raiders 14."
"Congrats on Day 1."
"I lost my bet so I'll be encouraging and helping you accomplish your goal the rest of the way."
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